What Does It Mean to “Fill Your Cup” and Why “Baseline” is Also an Important Metric
We’ve all likely heard some variation of “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” but what does it mean to “fill” that cup? In this specific metaphor about a cup (there are multiple therapy metaphors about cups; it’s totally a thing), the message is about self-care. The idea of a “cup” is used to help bring awareness to one’s energy, how depleted it may be, and how one might access more energy.
I realize “self-care” is a term that may cause many to bristle or roll their eyes. I get it. It was such a common topic in grad school that it almost felt trite: sure, we need to take care of ourselves by going on walks or maintaining hobbies to ensure we can still continue to work and care for others. However, I’ve come to realize that self-care isn’t what we do to have the energy to continue to partake in the systems around us. Self-care is the acknowledgement and commitment to the only relationship we have forever: our relationship with ourselves. In the same way we show up for other relationships in our lives, whether they be familial, romantic, platonic, or professional in nature, we can show up for ourselves. And we can benefit tremendously from doing so.
When our physical, emotional, and/or mental energy is given or siphoned from our “cup,” we may begin to feel tired, cranky, depleted, and resentful. We may dread activities or people that would require more energy from us, even if we otherwise feel positively about them. So many of us have taken on some kind of caretaker or helper role, and we often feel like this weighted, exhausted feeling is simply par for the course. It doesn’t have to be, and you’re allowed to seek comfort, joy, and replenishment even if you have taken on caring for others. Your commitment to other obligations and relationships is remarkable, but your relationship with yourself is probably suffering. How can you show commitment to that relationship, as well?
I have found that there’s different dimensions to self-care. For myself and my clients, I describe “filling your cup” and “raising your baseline.” “Filling one’s cup” is more acute, at least in this description. These are activities that bring joy and ease in the moment. It might be taking time to get coffee with a friend you haven’t seen in a while. It might be choosing to read for thirty minutes instead of cramming in another chore. It might be trying something new, like painting or longboarding, and choosing to be in the moment instead of worrying about the list of undone tasks and obligations. “Raising your baseline” is self-care in a more long-term lens. This self-care may or may not offer joy or ease in the moment, but the consistent engagement in this kind of self-care results in the increased capacity for life’s requirements and mishaps. It may result in lowered symptoms of anxiety and depression. For me personally, this is lifting weights. Sometimes I find joy and excitement and pride in lifting weights, but I mostly notice that I feel calmer, more relaxed, and in a better overall mood when I lift consistently as opposed to when I’m unable to due to busyness, injury, etc. Figuring out what raises YOUR baseline may be a personal experiment if you are unsure. It could be an evening ritual of tea, tarot cards, and meditation. It could be a weekly study group over your religious text. It could be movement-related or art-related, social or solitary, costly like regular massages or free like journaling.
If you are noticing that every day feels dreadful, mundane, depressing, it may be that your relationship with yourself has been put on the backburner (there are certainly other factors; I’m not ignoring the general state of the world here). I often suggest to clients to start with one of each type of self-care: one activity a day that “fills your cup” and one consistent practice to put into place to “raise your baseline.” I like to get ready for the day (putting on makeup and such) with an episode of a wholesome, sweet anime and squeeze in moments to read. These activities bring me joy, a sense of upliftment, and a more active, creative mind in the moments and hours after. My baseline is raised by movement and finding a balance between time alone and time with others. In engaging in self-care in these ways, I have learned how to show myself that I am trustworthy, supportive, and reliable in this relationship with myself. I practice showing myself the commitment I show to others, and this has tremendously affected my self-esteem and sense of self. The behaviors often come before the feelings in this way.
Give this practice a try. If you don’t see a difference in 1-2 weeks or don’t like the difference you see, then you can always revert to whatever you’re doing now. I’d be interested to hear what you notice.
