Metaphor Minute: Picnic Basket
I tend to use a lot of metaphors and visuals (both the verbally described kind and the doodled kind) in session. I thought I’d break them down here, too.
I describe all relationships as picnics. Whether the relationship is romantic, sexual, familial, professional, or friendly, each party brings a picnic basket to a picnic that is packed with what they can offer, what they expect, and what their dealbreakers are. I find it easiest to start with a new or potential romantic relationship to explain:
Partner 1 and Partner 2 exchange their baskets as they’re getting to know each other and determine compatibility.
Partner 1 has an assortment of interests: cooking, being outdoors, bicycling; desires/expectations: eventually dating exclusively, spending 3 days a week together in some capacity, have their religious views respected even if they’re not shared; and dealbreakers: desire to have children at any point, nonmonogamy
Partner 2 has an assortment of interests: cooking, spending time with friends, trying new restaurants; desires/expectations: eventually dating exclusively but not in a rush to get through a more casual stage, spending 2 days a week together in some capacity, have separate hobbies/do activities separate from their partner; and dealbreakers: nonmonogamy, desire to not have children
The next step would be negotiation and compromise - if that is accessible. For example, it could potentially be negotiated in the above example how many days a week to spend time together and expectations around the timeline of casual-to-serious dating. However, these two potential partners disagree on having children. This is seldom up for negotiation since it’s one of those things that you either do or don’t do. Potentially, there could be communication around adoption, fostering, or having pets instead, but those would be specific and fairly uncommon situations.
Sometimes a picnic will look beautiful. All your favorite foods but then there’s that one moldy apple. The dealbreaker. Or the picnic basket is covered in fire ants (maybe a friend group or family that’s unkind, overinvolved, or otherwise extremely unpleasant). Or it’s just missing that desire. The food is great, but you don’t *want* it. The entire picnic basket has to be taken into consideration. Outside of the potential for compromise, it’s either a picnic you want to be at or it’s not.
I use this as a way to help clients build their awareness of their values and around their choice. It’s difficult to know what would be a good picnic for you if you don’t know what your values are in that specific kind of situation or relationship. It’s also easy to get caught on one aspect of someone’s picnic basket: “But they have grapes (a good sense of humor), and I love grapes!” That’s true and relevant, and so are the stinky cheeses (different values around gender roles in a relationship) and the food item in the corner that you’re allergic to (the desire to live in their hometown when you’ve always dreamed of living in a different state).
What would it be like to look at your relationships in a holistic way? How might that change how you view your romantic partnership, your friendships, your relationship with your job or career? We often exist passively, just letting life and relationships exist as they are. And that’s fine. However, we also often have more power and choice in situations than we are aware of, and the act of acknowledging and accepting our choices can help us feel less resentful and have a more active role in our existence when we want to or need to.
